I catch myself looking blankly at the city streets: scanning the car windows, attempting to catch the eyes of countless people walking by. What am I doing here–here, at this moment, standing like a lost little girl on Brookline Avenue’s cracked sidewalk? Am I looking for something…someone? Not really…but maybe. Maybe all I want is one pair of eyes that will simply acknowledge that my presence is worth noticing–that I am someone worth watching. Maybe I need just one smile to offer a glimmer of hope that utter selfishness has not infected every member of the population.

But as I pull this worn journal out of my stuffed backpack, I realize that the looks or smiles of other people cannot be trusted to affirm my worth. On days when I feel my body looks like I have been run over by an 18-wheeler and my heart is in so much simultaneous bliss and pain that I can barely breathe, I cannot even be trusted to affirm my own worth. So, I am left asking, who can? Who will seek me out and prove once and for all that I am of immeasurable value?

Well, someone already has. His name is God; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are my Father, my Savior, and my Comforter. He sought me out and knew me even before I existed. And since the dawning of time, He has pursued me, longing to win my heart. How do I know this? Look at all the women He has told me about in His love letter to me; from Eve to Esther, from Rahab to Ruth, from Jairus’ daughter to the woman at the well, from Mary Magdalene to Martha to Mary. If I kept going, I could go on forever. The Bible is full of women who were pursued by a Savior who loved them more than any man ever could. Just think of it!

God calls in the Garden of Eden, “Where are you?” to Eve and her husband who are hiding from Him in their shame. He draws them out and offers provision, promising Eve that the fruit of her womb will produce the Messiah who will redeem this now-fallen world to its original glory and reconcile man to God. God calls the young and obedient Hadassah to become Queen Esther of Persia that she may provide deliverance for her people through her privileged position of affection and authority in Ahasuerus’ palace.

How does God call Rahab? He sends Israelite spies to her home where she offers them protection and in return, seeks the protection of God which He provides in the scarlet cord hung from her window. Her and her family are saved from destruction and her heart is won to the God of Israel. And Ruth? God calls her, amidst the grief of losing her husband, to leave her home and the heathen country of Moab for Bethlehem and to join her mother-in-law in returning to worship the true God. Why does she go? She has seen the workings of God in some way in Elimelech’s family and she is drawn there–to His people and to His heart. Ruth, a Moabitess looked down upon by the Jews, is even gifted with an honorable husband Boaz and a direct place in the lineage of the Messiah.

The moments the Lord Jesus spends pursuing the women mentioned the New Testament are among the most precious of all. He travels to see Jairus’ young daughter, and speaks to her already dead in her bed, saying “Arise.” He touches her with His hand and gives her life. What must she have felt to be pursued by the Savior and wake from her sleep looking up at the one who held her life in His hands! The Lord Jesus pursued the Samaritan woman at the well when no one else would, asking her a question no other would ask, telling her truths no other would tell, and giving her an everlasting life that no one else could give. His life-giving water will forever quench her thirst…what greater love is there than one which cannot expire or run dry! Despite her failed marriages and adulterous relationships, the God of Heaven in the person of Christ asked for a drink from the woman’s hand and won the devotion of her heart.

Jesus called Mary Magdalene from a life of demon possession and immorality to a satisfying life of pure service to Him. We see her wiping the tears she has spilled on His feet with her hair…tears of affection for the One who forgave her when there was so much to forgive. And Martha…Jesus calls Martha to the same place–at His feet–when she is exhausted by her physical service too much to focus on spiritual communion with Him. She learns that what He wants is access to her heart, not her kitchen or her bank account.

And, most beautifully of all, we witness the relationship the Lord Jesus shares with His mother, Mary. Bringing Him into the world is the single most-important moment in her life, never mind its being the most important in history. There is a bond between this mother and Son that is so spiritually and physically close that it is hard to even imagine. The child she gives birth to saves her soul, becomes her provider, and loves her with a stronger love than she is even able to comprehend. Did He win her heart…did He pursue her? It is safe to assume that her heart was won the minute she heard His whimpering cry in the stable and daily, she grew more amazed by the Son of God who walked beside her always doing the will of His Father.

God wants my heart. And if anything can assure me that I am worth something, it is that my Creator, the King of Kings, thinks me worth everything. Because of my merit? My beauty? My accomplishments or intelligence? No. Because He was willing to give His only Son to die for me…and instead of seeing my weakness and failures and imperfections when He looks at me, He sees the perfect blood of His Son, Jesus.

Am I willing to surrender, to stop running away from the One who is always pursuing me? Am I willing to submit myself to His will to provide all I need? Am I ready to accept His grace and let go of the failures I seem to try to hold onto? In myself, I am worth nothing more than the dust of the ground I came from. But, in Christ, I am worth everything–everything to the God who gave me life.

Before my heart could be worth anything to myself, it had to be worth something to God. And before my heart can be worth anything to anyone else, it has to be worth something to me. Life is about giving all the broken pieces of your heart to the only One who can truly mend them. And it is another one of His blessings to allow that newly healed heart to be shared with another heart that has undergone the same transformation…to together worship, serve, and honor the God who gives each of us an infinite worth.

The God of grace, forgiveness, love, and healing. The God of the Pursuit. ~

I often have the impulse to ask other Christians exactly what trait of the Lord they most appreciate in their lives. Is it His love that cradles our hearts despite loneliness, rejection, and betrayal? Is it His forgiveness that willingly washes away and forgets every one of our deepest failures and darkest sins? Is it His grace that bestows the abundant blessings of peace, joy, and belonging when we deserve not only none of His favor but none of His notice? Or is it His justice that ultimately punishes evil and rewards with honor those who walk in His ways? Is it His humanity that proves his intimate connection with the human beings that He so desires to save and comfort? Or is it His holiness that sets Him apart from and higher than every other being in the universe?

Does His compassion fill us with an awestruck adoration? Does His wisdom keep us secure in the knowledge that all things are part of His perfectly designed and executed plan? Does His service to others inspire us to serve those around us as well? Does His honesty assure us that we are safe in the hands of One who will never trap us in the fine print of regulations that sap the life out of our bodies and spirits?

The reason I want to ask others these questions is simple: I ask them to myself often and have difficulty answering. But, I am pretty sure I know why I am unsure. Without any one of these beautiful characteristics of the Lord Jesus, He would not be who He is. How could I love any part of my “altogether lovely” Savior any more than any other part? Yes, there are days when His incarnation fills me with wonder and love as I remember the stoop He took for someone as insignificant as me. There are moments that His justice calms my soul as I see all of the ignored injustice in the world around me that someday He will confront and punish. Most days, I cherish the amazing fact of His forgiveness: He forgives my ceaseless stubborn rebellion, my weakness as I fall prey to temptation, my laziness as I haphazardly serve the One who bore agony to save my soul, and my attitude of entitlement when my world is not as I believe it should be and I fail to thank Him for the very air I am breathing and the sun on my face.

But, most of all, I am thankful for His presence– the simple fact that as I write these words, He is sitting right next to me. I am thankful that His ultimate sacrifice on the cross has not only saved me from an eternity in hell, but has also brought me into the most intimate relationship I will ever have. He knows me inside and out, backwards and forwards, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And He will never run away in disappointment or shame. He will not only stay beside me on the journey, He will lead me by the hand to His beautiful home where I can be with Him basking in His love forever.

I don’t understand it and never will. Why He created a creation He knew would fail and fall. Why He would reach down in a sacrifice of incredible compassion and love to lift us from the ashes. Most of all, why, knowing all about me before I existed, He would reserve for me a place in the family and home of God. Truly, the Lord Jesus Christ is an “unspeakable gift.” His worth is incalculable, His beauty unparalleled. I am unworthy to bear His name but I will endeavor to do so in a way that will not sully that lovely name but cause it to shine brighter for all the world to see HIM (and not me).

We saw his strong smile

As he boarded the plane

We saw those hidden tears in his eyes

In that goodbye wave

Today we see

Him lying silent on this bed

Him trying to escape

From the prison in his head

Oh, but he was a warrior

And He is a warrior

And he’ll keep fighting

These iron bars won’t hold him down

He is our warrior

He never gave up on us

How could we give up on him now?

This warrior

They watched Him healing

And raising dead to life

They still would not believe Him

Rejection cut like a knife

Today we see

Him lifted up on Heaven’s throne

And fighting still to set us free

And bring us safely home

He was a Warrior

And He is a warrior

And He’ll keep fighting

Those iron bars can’t hold Him down

He is our Warrior

He never gave up on us

How could we give up on Him now?

This Warrior

Mm, He was a warrior

A mighty warrior

You know, He kept fighting

Death’s iron bars couldn’t hold Him down

Now He is our Warrior

He’ll never give up on us

How could we give up on Him now?

This Warrior

Our warrior..

And we’ll keep fighting, they’ll keep fighting

Those iron bars can’t hold him down…

Each moment, A MIRROR staring at me

Reflecting a self that I don’t want to see

Each word and each action, each step and each thought

Telling me who I am…and who I am not.

 

The mirrors grow nearer and clearer with time

Each day reveals more unerasable grime

On a heart that has rusted from layers of snow

And feet that have wandered with no place to go

Hands caked with dust atrophying beside

A body that’s felt the oppression of pride

Eyes covered with filth, having seen what they’ve seen

Ears filled with the silence of nightmarish screams.

 

These mirrors grow bigger, look deeper until….

I come to the end and lie silent and still.

And over my coffin, a red mirror’s gaze

SHALLows and puts a sweet smile on my face

For the journey is over and honesty’s dead

It is made obsolete by the blood that’s been shed…

 

(The truth is of value now to just a few–

Not those who can SEE–but the ones that choose to

And not just to see but to change and to grow

And hope that death’s mirror has something to show

Something deeper than smiles, than the skin on their bones

But a warm heart that beats and in HONESTY groans

For the Mirror of Mirrors to CHANGE what it’s been

And turn these foul ASHES TO BEAUTY again.

 

 

The peace that overwhelms my fear

The grace that erases each tear

The truth I’m so longing to hear

Whisper, whisper in my ear

 

Let your strength wash away

Every trace of my weakness

And your light illuminate

Every place of my darkness

Your voice is the echo of Heaven

But, Lord may it be

The whisper that whispers Your life into me

 

The forgiveness that makes my heart whole

The faith that lets me give up all control

The love that I know will not let me go

Whisper, whisper to my soul

 

Let your strength wash away

Every trace of my weakness

And your light illuminate

Every place of my darkness

Your voice is the echo of Heaven

But, Lord may it be

The whisper that tells me…

 

Your blood washed away

Every trace of my failure

And You rose from the grave

Conquering death forever

Your glory’s the anthem of Heaven

Now Lord may it be

The whisper that whispers new life into me

The whisper that whispers Your life into me.

 

Condemnation vs. Compassion: A Divine Conversation

MAN:
I told you it could never be
Why didn’t you believe me?
I told you you were foolishly
Naive to think you’d save me

But, somehow still I fell into
Those lies I wanted to be true
I heard you whisper “I love you”
And oft repeated back to you

The lie…

The lie that said you’d changed my heart
With all your love and care
The lie that said I’d never go back
To the world out there
The lie that I believed
While I was wrapped in your embrace
And realized was empty
When alone I had to face
The girl I used to be

I told you you couldn’t save me
Why didn’t you believe me?!

GOD:
I told you we would always be
Why didn’t you believe me?
I told you you belong to me
No matter how you grieve me

But, still you thought I’d leave behind
The child I sent my Son to find.
That loneliness was in your mind–
You left me!- saying I’d designed

A lie…

A lie that said true love was more
Than words upon a page
A lie that claimed your worth surpassed
The wealth of every age
A lie that you believed only
Until your eyes could see
The world was right when they described
The God I couldn’t be

Oh! Forget the reasons you think I’m impossible…
And tell me why my Son is not enough!
If my existence still is unbelievable,
Well..haven’t I proven my love?

Yes, I saw your failure and winced as you fell
I know you’ve felt pain that’s too painful to tell
But, if you think I watch with a hammer in hand
To crush you with guilt when you lose strength to stand…
You haven’t been listening to me
You’ve maybe been hearing those too blind to see
Who I am.

I told you I would help you be
The man you longed to be
Why didn’t you believe me?

I’m telling you I’m here
To wipe away each tear
And melt your foolish fear
Why won’t you believe me?

Why couldn’t you trust that
I’d carry you through?!

MAN:
Why didn’t you see
I’m not good enough for you?!

GOD:
Come to me! I’ll take you as you are.
I will heal that cruel and bitter scar.

MAN:
You could love this wicked, broken heart?
And give a life like mine a new start?

GOD:
Well, that is what I’m offering..
Won’t you take my hand and come with me?
I told you love was beautiful
Now you can see it’s powerful,
WHY DIDN’T YOU BELIEVE ME?

One day these walls are gonna tumble
Each fence of defense will crash to the ground
One day this façade’s gonna crumble
And the mirror much clearer shatter at the sound
Of the truth–
The love I’ve held in will no longer be silent
The words never said will pour out like the rain

But every day you look right past me
And into the eyes of one I can’t be
Every day I catch myself asking
Is love worth all this to me?
What if you never can see what I see
Then one day I’ll set myself free
I’m sick of this cage and its bars
I’m sick of this stage and its stars
I’m sick of this pain and these scars
Hiding so deep in my heart
What if you never can see what I see
One day I’ll set myself free
One day I’ll set me free

One day I’ll walk down the highway
And burned out I’ll reach out for anyone to hold
One day I’ll return to cold silence
And realize my blind eyes never once told
Me the truth–
The heart beating in me will bleed through its thick shell
‘Cause all freedom brought me was heavier chains
My mind will start racing to find whatever it was chasing
‘Till the voice I’ve long longed for will call out my name

And someday you’ll look right at me
See everything that I can be
Someday I’ll catch myself asking
Could love really do this to me?
Finally your heart can see what I see
And safely I set myself free
You’ve unlocked that cage and its bars
I don’t need my stage and its stars
You’ve erased all of the scars
Now I whisper to you with my heart
Finally your heart can see what I see
And safely I’ve set myself free

Safe in your arms, your hand holding mine
Knowing you’ll be here ‘til the end of time
Nothing is sweeter and now I can see
Just how it feels to be FINALLY FREE

No light in this darkness
Like midnight without the moon
No mercy in this justice
And I deserve it all
To come crashing down so soon

I made my choice
It’s over now
I’ll get through this pain I’ve caused myself
But how?

For what it’s worth
I know I’ve fallen
My weakness screams at me
I hear guilt’s loud voice calling
For what it’s worth
I know I don’t deserve Your grace
Or to look upon Your face
But, if You shine Your light into this dark–
For what it’s worth–
You can have my heart

I can bear the consequences though they have to hurt
But I can’t bear for You to leave me here alone
I can’t feel You anymore
I’m pounding on Your door
Don’t you hear?

For what it’s worth
I know I’ve fallen
My weakness screams at me
I hear guilt’s loud voice calling
For what it’s worth
I know I don’t deserve Your grace
Or to look upon Your face
Or see You shine this light into my dark
But, for what it’s worth
I offer you my heart, every single broken part
For what it’s worth

It isn’t much but it’s all there is
How I wish that I had so much more to give
As I lie here in shame, drowning in hurt
Lift me up, Savior
Wash me clean in precious blood

For what it’s worth
I offer you my heart
And I hope that You will take it
For what it’s worth

The shuffle of feet muffles music’s pure voice
The sound of the masses declaring their choice
Why struggle, why work, why fight this, why learn?
If effort won’t determine the wages we earn..
Lifeless hands hang from emaciated frames
An ocean of numbers who’ve forgotten their names
Why reach for the stars when the stars are not shining?
Life’s not worth the looking for that silver lining.
Every cliché we hear everyone pray hits the roof
Like the hollow thud of that burned-out reindeer’s hoof
Even a rainbow blends into a sky shaded gray
The bright-night-colors faded to hideous day.

Clocked-in and clocked-out, we’re suddenly locked out
Of home..and everything life was when it was our own
Purpose is a misspelled dolphin
Dreams–fool thoughts long since forgotten
And love? just a theory that says we could care
About something more than the color of your hair.

What could we possibly want that we’re missing?
We have power and breath and a social position
Sure, we’re all the same and we dye our skin tan
This uniform fits the wide spectrum of man..
But who would we be without equality
Or the justice that reigns in the land of the free?
Why stand out in the cold when the mold is so warm
Where nothing can break us, not even the storm?

Any question you ask, the answer is no
We can’t answer questions because we don’t know
Why ask why things are the way that they are?
Just look at us, we’ve come so far.